I will eventually return to posts on my recent trip to Ireland (either by me or by the tierneycreates Beastie…smile) but I thought I would share a recent musing in this post.
When I travel by airplane I like to listen to music when the plane is taking off (it calms me) and I usually listen to Pandora which has on offline option (when no WiFi available or device in “Airplane Mode”) which plays downloaded stations.
Well on a recent flight as the plane was taking off, the song “Closer to Fine” by the Indigo Girls came on…
At first I gasped as I’ve been trying to avoid for the past nearly 4 years all songs and performers that my late husband Terry and I listened together, especially if they were his beloved groups such as the Indigo Girls.
Terry passed suddenly and unexpectedly in December 2018 (I am approaching the the anniversary of his loss) and he LOVED singer-songwriter music. Our favorite bands (that we enjoyed together as we also had music that we enjoyed separately) included the Indigo Girls, Dave Matthews Band, Jack Johnson, Gov’t Mule, Ben Harper, Joan Osborne, David Gray, and other music similar to those artists. We’ve seen also those artists in concert (some many many times) but the group we’ve seen in concert the most times was the Indigo Girls.
The Indigo Girls were Terry’s favorite singer-songwriter group and he knew the words to most their most popular songs including “Closer to Fine”. We’d go to their concert and he’d sing along (quietly) to most of their songs. But the song he really loved, knew absolutely every word and would sing at the top of his lungs along with the other audience members was “Closer to Fine”.
Over the years I guess the Indigo Girls made “Closer to Fine” a “sing-a-long song” with full audience participation expected. And Terry would always sing along at their concerts (which we attended at least yearly). One of my favorite Indigo Concert memories is when they had a concert in one of Bend’s neighborhoods – NorthWest Crossing. I guess they story is they were visiting friends who lived in the area and decided to just have small concert at the neighborhood monthly festival! Not a lot of people knew about it and it was a small audience crammed into a little neighborhood space watching the Indigo Girls play with a smaller version of their band. Sort of one of those once in a lifetime experiences! So glad I got to experience that with Terry.
Before I go further, let me share a video of the album version of the song if you’ve never heard it before:
And here are the lyrics to Closer to Fine by the Indigo Girls (courtesy of Google):
I’m trying to tell you something ’bout my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
It’s only life after all, yeah
Well, darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable
And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear
And I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I’m crawling on your shores…
And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
(The less I seek my source)
Closer I am to fine, yeah
Closer I am to fine, yeah
And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free
And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
(The less I seek my source)
Closer I am to fine, yeah
Closer I am to fine, yeah
I stopped by the bar at 3 A.M.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I’d been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
We go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountain
Yeah, we go to the Bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival, we stand up for the lookout
There’s more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
(The less I seek my source)
Closer I am to fine
Closer I am to fine
Closer I am to fine, yeah
And if you are curious, here is what the concert sing-a-long version of the song is like:
I get chills (and tears) when I hear the audience sing acapella: “we stand up for the lookout” and then sing loudly with the Indigo Girls the last couple lines of the song together.
I can still hear Terry singing along with the audience the last three lines:
Closer I am to fine
Closer I am to fine
Closer I am to fine, yeah
At first listening to this song again, I was overwhelmed with sadness and despair (over what was lost – a lifetime with my music/concert buddy and amazing life partner/best friend) but then I turned it around in my mind and realized that over the nearly past 4 years I’ve gotten myself:
CLOSER TO FINE
I’ll never be fully “fine” and I accept that. I will always be a widow who lost the love of their life (even if I am so blessed to have my wonderful partner John in my life, who is a widower and deeply understands my journey and the heartbreak I carry around) but I am at so much better a place than I was a couple years ago.
And better than I was last year.
I get a little more “closer to fine” as the years progress.
If any of you are on the same journey as me (dealing with a life changing loss) I hope you getting a little “closer to fine” everyday even if you gain only millimeter of distance each day.
Thank you Amy Ray and Emily Saliers for your amazing song and lyrics…

Postscript
I think one of the things people do not realize about widows and widowers, is that they did not just lose the person they (likely) loved most in this world. They also lost their entire life with that person – all the history they shared, things only they knew, the memories and experiences they shared, and most of all (in many cases) their deep bond and friendship. You lose the person you shared your deepest secrets, your partner in life. For many (like happened to. me), they also lose their identity and have to create a new one.
As my grief counselor said: “You have to now go out and create new experiences and memories on your own” (and yes that is unbelievably difficult to do)
Thank goodness I had a wonderful grief support group and continue to know and interact with amazing people who are on my same journey and understand the depth of the loss. I am also thankful to those who do not understand the experience of the loss but are kind, patient and supportive with me on my journey.
If you know someone who is grieving such a loss, please be patient and kind to them – their loss is more than you can imagine.
Hi Tierney, thank you for sharing about the Indigo Girls; I had not heard of them before but this is exactly the kind of group we find interesting. Have you heard of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros? Also really good!
I cannot possibly understand what you are going through with your grief, having not been in such a position myself, but I did remember reading about why grief is like a ball in a box and thought it was so helpful in understanding what those who grieve might be going through…here is a link, in case you are not familiar with it: https://www.hospiscare.co.uk/how-we-help/advice-support/talking-about-death-and-dying/why-grief-is-like-a-ball-in-a-box
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Thanks Monique for your thoughtful comments. My initial grief counselor used the analogy of the grief journey being a spiral staircase which you wind around and sometimes go upstairs and sometimes head downstairs for a while.
I’ve listened to Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros – great music!
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I am thankful you are getting “Closer to Fine” and thankful you put to words these pieces of your heart so that I could read them. Thank you for that gift! I am also thankful I got to know a small smidge of your love and life with Terry! So much love my dear friend,
Dana ❤️
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Thanks so much Dana, I am thankful too 🙂
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Perhaps you can help me out when my dad passes. My Mom will be a wreck. I already see that coming. For me, I have made my peace with Dad’s passing, when it happens, I’ll be ready. But, Mom. That’s a whole different story. I can’t put myself in your place or my Mom’s. All I can do is be a good son and do what I can to help lift her burden. As you describe, however, Mom will never get over it. It will be our reality when Dad takes his final breath. Great post! I hope your sadness dwindles more and more over the years and you and your new partner forge a terrific life together. From what I’ve seen, you already have.
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That is all you can do – just be kind and patient with your Mom. There is a wonderful book – It’s Ok That You Are Not Ok, which has a section on how to support those grieving the loss of a life partner. Thanks so much for your comments and I am very grateful for where I am now (though it did take a lot of work to get here!) 🙂
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Cool. I’ll check out that book. Thanks!
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Glad to read this, Tierney. We keep on going and somehow we endure and even thrive in this world, all of us with obstacles to overcome. Your particular one you speak of was one of the biggest that can be faced. You have reshaped your life and that is brave work. I’m glad you are in the place you are in now.
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Thanks so much Claudia. I appreciate your thoughtful comments and I am glad and grateful too to be in the place I am now 🙂
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Hi Tierney, thank you for sharing your grief so that we might understand a fraction of what you’re feeling. I can’t even imagine how daunting it must be to face that kind of tragedy and work your way through it to ‘fine’. I’m glad you have a partner in John who understands and supports you 💖
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Thanks so much Sharon I appreciate that. I am pretty lucky to have found John, it would have been rough to face the rest of my life alone!
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Such a moving post and tribute to Terry and John. So relatable. I love Indigo Girls and just about all of their songs….especially Watershed.
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Thanks so much for your comments Tracey, the Indigo Girls always hold a special place in my heart 🙂
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I had tears in my eyes when I read this. We both understand this difficult life time journey that we did not volunteer for. Having her support on this journey has saved my life.
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Thanks John!
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“Terry singing along with the audience the last three lines…”
May I suggest he fully approves of your getting finer each year? Hugs and continued strength as you (and John) get closer to fine.
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Thanks so much Laura 🙂
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Oh Tierney …
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🙂
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Yes, I hear you. I joined this journey recently…just Sept 7, 2022. Wonderful post!
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Thanks so much I appreciate you stopping by and commenting and sorry to hear you are on this journey also…
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Well, it took a minute for me to be able to respond to this. I know just what you mean.
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Thanks for your response 🙂
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